Oh, Ontario
Ryan

VERSE 1
Ryan:
Warren came to town, thought I'd show him around,
In Ontario the ‘yes’ state, oh, it’s so renowned!
But here I stand, a tour guide in dismay,
Every bright idea just blows up my way.

Got the CN Tower, it's tall, you'll see,
But the elevator's out, they'll charge you a fee.
Thought Niagara might stun and delight,
But Warren laughed, 'cause the falls were a sight.

CHORUS
Oh, Ontario, where did we go so wrong?
I thought I sold you well, but it’s a sad, sad song.
Swore you were pure gold, but you’re a pile of shite!
Warren’s laughing hard, this ain't a fair fight.

VERSE 2
Ryan:
Took him to the lake, thought we'd have a swim,
But the algae's a blanket, and the fish look grim.
Toronto Raptors, the pride of our sport,
But they missed every dunk on our last court.

We got great poutine, at least that's what I said,
But Warren called it 'gravy fries', taste bud dread.
Maple syrup rivers, that's where we're at,
But here comes the sugar-induced heart attack!

CHORUS
Oh, Ontario, where did we go so wrong?
I thought I sold you well, but it’s a sad, sad song.
Swore you were pure gold, but you’re a pile of shite!
Warren’s laughing hard, this ain't a fair fight.

VERSE 3
Ryan:
Took him to a cottage, thought we’d chill in style,
But the mozzies and blackflies, they stayed for a while.
Sudbury’s Big Nickel, seemed a good plan,
'Til Warren cracked, ‘It’s a big piece of man!’

London, Ontario? He thought it’d be grand,
But it’s just a namesake, a bad knockoff brand.
Tim Horton’s coffee, I made him a cup,
He spat it out, said, ‘You sure this ain’t mud?’

BRIDGE
Ryan:
I had high hopes but Ontario's a joke,
Every plan fizzling like clouds of smoke.
Warren's rolling, laughing, can't catch his breath,
While I moan alone, I die a slow death.

VERSE 4
Ryan:
Had a beaver sighting, that should’ve sealed the deal,
'Til the little bastard gnawed right through my spiel.
Kensington Market’s got hipsters galore,
But it’s overpriced shit, not much more.

The Blue Jays, the pride of our dome,
But when Warren cheered, they sent him home.
Algonquin Park was meant to be peace,
But Warren called it 'a swamp full of geese.'

CHORUS
Oh, Ontario, where did we go so wrong?
I thought I sold you well, but it’s a sad, sad song.
Swore you were pure gold, but you’re a pile of shite!
Warren’s laughing hard, this ain't a fair fight.

VERSE 5
Ryan:
Maybe Quebec will give us a pass,
Just don’t tell Warren, fuck, he’ll kick my ass.
Tried to spruce the truth but it keeps trippin’,
Ontario pride, it’s off and slippin’.

Warren’s heading home, says it was a blast,
While I wonder how to kiss my own ass.
Ontario’s charm is lost, hope you see,
Next time I’ll lie my way to fucking BC.

CHORUS
Oh, Ontario, where did we go so wrong?
I thought I sold you well, but it’s a sad, sad song.
Swore you were pure gold, but you’re a pile of shite!
Warren’s laughing hard, this ain't a fair fight.

OUTRO
Ryan:
So listen close, and learn from my plight,
Bragging only leads to an endless fight.
Ontario’s all cons, not a pro in sight,
Next time I’ll shut up, or lie outright!