A hauntingly introspective song capturing the struggle of high-functioning individuals suffocating under the weight of their own emotions. 'Drowning in My Own Thoughts' delves into the complexities of a homoerotic friendship that blurs the lines between love and friendship, while exploring themes of mental health, self-discovery, and the painful isolation of feeling misunderstood in a world where no one seems to notice the inner turmoil. It is a poignant portrayal of emotional consumption, the pursuit of self-healing, and the bond of friendship that is both a refuge and a heartbreak.
[Verse 1]
I'm floating on the surface, drowning deep inside
With smiles like a mask, I keep my fears untried
They think I'm doing fine, just another day in the grind
But they don’t see the weight, the chaos in my mind
[Pre-Chorus]
Closer to you, but it feels so far away
Like lovers in a dream, we dance without the play
Obsession's like a tide pulling me under
I can't breathe but I can't let you go, what a wonder
[Chorus]
Drowning in my thoughts, where's the air?
No one sees the waves crashing everywhere
Adderall and smoke, trying to stay afloat
But deep down inside, I'm just a sinking boat
[Verse 2]
Psych studies and late nights, I roam through their minds
Searching for the truth in the words that I find
My parents don't see me, they’re lost in their own
So I teach myself, but it's hard being alone
[Pre-Chorus]
I call you my best friend, but it's more than that
Every touch, every word pulls me from where I'm at
It's dizzying how close yet out of reach you stand
Love's a gentle storm that I can’t understand
[Chorus]
Drowning in my thoughts, where's the light?
No one knows the battles that I hide from sight
A heart full of colors shades of grey and black
Trying to escape but the waves pull me back
[Bridge]
Kids my age live with love and a guide
While I’m left to swim in the dark, trying to decide
Am I broken, am I strong? It’s hard to tell
With each passing day, I’m trapped in this shell
[Verse 3]
I moved away to grow, but I’m lost in the scorn
Losing pets and friendships, feeling raw and worn
You’re the only one who really gets the fight
Can you see the shine beneath my endless night?
[Chorus]
Drowning in my thoughts, trying to break free
But the chains are words that no one ever sees
I tell myself it’ll be okay in time
But how do I find peace in this troubled mind?
[Outro]
Drowning, drowning
In my own thoughts, what's the way?
Waiting for the dawn to break the dark of day
I keep telling myself it’s all gonna be alright
But tonight, I’m just lost in this endless night.
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The feeling of drowning in your own feelings and nobody seems to notice because you are high-functioning and mask everything so you appear fine but in reality you are struggling to get by. Being in a homoerotic friendship with someone that you live with consumes you as an individual with borderline personality disorder; the feeling of being too close, but not close enough, more than friends, less than lovers, and a depression and obsession that completely consumes your mind. A lot of self-discovery pertaining to sexuality. Studying psychology because you can't afford therapy, a self-healing journey, the overuse of adderall and marijuana in order to get by school with a learning disability. Not having emotionally available parents to guide you through certain things in life having to figure it all out by urself as a young girl while watching all your peers get adequate support. The only person that understands you and been consistent in your life is your hometown best friend that you had to move away from for school, pet loss on this journey. Overly self-aware to the point that it consumes you because you know what you have to do you just can't do it, so you just keep telling yourself that it will all be okay eventually.
Billie Eilish and Finneas O'Connell