I Burned My Mouth on Pizza
Dracula

Broadway song called “I Burned My Mouth on Pizza" - a minor key pop ballad sung by Dracula in the musical DRACULA. The song is a parody power ballad sung seriously. He visits Applebee’s and decides to try pizza for the first time, recounting this horrible tale. The lyrics should have lots of vulgar phrases and swearing. It should have the lines “ooh, I burned my mouth on pizza!” and “goddamn the pepperoni” and “I said hold the garlic - I can’t stand that shit” and “the sauce was pure hellfire, like lava in my throat” and “molten cheese” and in coda “After living for hundreds and hundreds of years, Who’d think those Italians would bring me to tears?" Come up with different rhymes every time for “pizza” like “beats ya” and “defeats ya”. The song structure should be: verse 1 (about ordering at Applebee’s as waiter suggested), chorus 1 (about the first bite and pain), verse 2 (about how wonderful and tempting the pizza still looked), chorus 2 (how the pizza hadn’t cooled down and burned again), bridge (about all the things he has eaten), chorus 3 (about how his mouth and tongue are still burned), coda (about the lesson learned never eating it again). Dracula sings with ancient accent and doesn’t know modern English. The last lines should be on how the experience changed him. The rhyme scheme for the verse should be ABAB. The rhyme scheme for the chorus should be AABB. Here’s my original draft to revise:

Verse 1:
Well, I once flew to the Applebee’s, snuck in a darkened booth.
A server then stepped forth, and I requested a rare-cooked steak.
“Try the pizza! You’ll love it, dude”, claimed the cursed youth.
I nodded with hunger at the appetizing lad...but what a painful, grave mistake.

Chorus 1:
Ooh, I burned my mouth on pizza!
Oh, sweet Jesus! The heat just defeats ya!
I was tricked by some sick modern American game.
For I got burned by pizza, and my lips are all aflame.

Verse 2:
I don’t eat bread or drink wine, but that first bite was divine.
I had him hold the garlic — I can’t stand that shit.
The cheese bubbled and sizzled hot so I thought, “Hell, give it a shot.”
Yet, in this strange 21st Century, your dinner’s truly lit!

Chorus 2:
Ooh, I burned my mouth on pizza!
Damn that pie! How wicked it treats ya!
My throat was still ablaze as those little mushrooms stung.
That sauce was pure hellfire; it’s lava down my tongue!

Bridge:
I’ve feasted on the finest of sweet flesh and blood,
From lovely maidens to kings to Gypsy men.
Though I’ve sunk my teeth into countless tender necks,
There’s a most delicious scalding meal I dare not bite again!
Ow, it melts your face off...

Chorus 3:
Oooooh, I burned my mouth on pizza!
My fangs are scorched! The molten mozzarella beats ya!
That goddamn golden crust, such a tasty tempting beast.
Pepperoni was the Devil; I should have called a priest!

Coda:
Ooh! Evil pizza! I badly burned my mouth!
Hotter than the sun, a thousand candles, coals, the South!
After living for hundreds and hundreds of years,
Who’d think those Italians would bring me to tears?
I shall forever recall that deadly dish and how I cried.
Yes, my soul may be undead, but my tastebuds now have died!

Sam Smith